Long story, Short: I may only be "Good Enough," but am OK with that.

Do you ever feel like no matter what you do, its never enough?  Whether it be with your kids, your job, your house, your car...whatever it may be...that no matter how hard you try, someone is always disappointed?  Maybe its your kids or loved ones, maybe your boss, maybe your friends, or maybe even yourself?

Today's write up is about just that, disappointment and feeling as though no matter what you do it will never be enough, but at what point can you get by with simply being just...Good Enough?

The majority of the time, as a parent, I have to say that I rarely find myself actually completely satisfying my kids.  My son, Bug, due to his complex issues (anxiety disorder, ADHD, depression, ASD?) is the hardest to make happy.  I have come to accept that I cannot make him happy for long periods of time, and I take my successes one at a time with him each day.  I know that in most circumstances, at best, I am a "fun killer" with sprinkles of mediocre jokes.  With him, I have learned how to accept being just Good Enough.  

My girls.  They only seem happy when I am doing the things that they want to do...reading books, swimming in the pool, playing make believe games, feeding them.  (OMG, the kitchen is NO DOUBT their favorite room of the house!)  Maybe this is "normal" for kids?  I don't know.  I just know what my kids are like.  I know that the moment I take time for myself, or to do something...anything other than what they want to do, I am right back to having unhappy kids.  It has been difficult to find that Good Enough feeling with them.  Maybe its because they are girls and they are practicing that natural grudge-holding, guilt-inflicting attitude that will come in handy for them in their heartbreaking years.  Maybe I am just missing the "Good Mom" gene...anyone know where I can get one of those??  Or maybe they have been raised to be spoiled little brats and this is my reward??  Did MY mother wish this on me?! :-)

I often find that I am disappointed in my self.  My house is never as clean as I would like it to be.  My cooking is never as good as I would like it to be.  My glass is half empty....no seriously, it is, I'll be right back.   :-)  But, really, are we ever completely happy with ourselves?  Do we live up to our own expectations?  I don't.  Is it because I expect too much from myself?  Or am I comparing myself with others that seem to "have it together" better than I do?  Or do I really just not live up to my potential?  I constantly find myself second guessing my choices, my decisions, my actions, etc.  Then I start thinking about all of "those" people that seem to have it all together and wonder how they find the time to do it all.  How do you parent your children, have play dates, go to the park, make sure the laundry is done, the house is cleaned, dinner is planned, kids are bathed & their teeth are brushed daily, your car is cleaned before someone sees (or in my case SMELLS) it, YOU are bathed daily, you have time to be the "perfect" wife, etc, etc, etc.....  The list goes on and on.  At least the one in my head does! 

Then reality hits me.  I can't live my life like other people do.  I have to live my life the way that best fits me and my family.  And as much as I wish I could have those things, I also know that my priorities are different, my life is different, I am different.  I am a strong, independent, realistic, logical woman.  I have soft sides, but mainly, being tough and reasonable are my strong suits.  I enjoy things like a glass (yes, usually two) of wine each evening, taking and editing pictures, sitting in the sun.  I really do like to have a clean house, but am finding that the "Cleaning your house while your children are growing is like shoveling the snow while it's still snowing" saying is ringing true so having a somewhat straightened house has become Good Enough.  I am trying to adapt and overcome.  I am!  I like the idea of play dates, but I am such a closed, non-social person that I have come to understand that play dates and physically real friends (as opposed to cyber friends) are not something that I can do.  I don't go to the park, though I have recently branched out and started going to the library with the kids!  (Yes, the place where no one is allowed to speak directly to anyone else...but its Good Enough!)  Don't get me wrong, I ENJOY having friendships...I just take FOREVER to warm up to someone long enough to actually open up to them and show them my real side, my messy side, my not perfect side, my gulp vulnerable side.  And God knows that I wish my car was clean and fresh smelling, but it isn't....and it isn't on my list of "things to do" any time soon!  So, I am not perfect.  I am Good Enough in most cases and I'm learning to deal with that.  One day at a time.

Long story, Short: I may only be Good Enough, but I'm OK with that.

Holy Shit, I'm A Slacker

I cannot believe that I have gone 10 days without a blog.  What a slacker I have been!!  And what is really sad?  I don't really FEEL like writing one today, but I am feeling guilty...which is the stupidest thing I have felt, I mean, really?!? 

GUILTY because I haven't written a blog??  

I don't have guilt when I don't fix dinner. 

I don't have guilt when I chose to not play with my kids somedays.

I don't have guilt when I drink wine every single night.

I don't have guilt when I sit around in my PJs ALL DAY sometimes.

I don't have guilt when I curse in front of my kids -- sometimes AT my kids.

I don't have guilt when I sometimes make my 11 year old stop what he is doing to take the dog out just because I don't want to get up from what I am doing.

I don't have guilt when I put my kids in front of the TV so I can have a break.

I don't have guilt when I get into my car and realize that it is more like a mobile trash can than a car.

I don't have guilt when my toilets aren't clean.

I don't have guilt when I watch "The Little Mermaid" instead of doing the laundry.

I don't have guilt when I don't answer my phone because I don't want to talk.

I don't have guilt when I don't shower the kids for a week.  (They swim...that SO counts!)

But I have guilt when I don't write a blog for 10 days....WTF!??!
There is something wrong with my head.  Seriously. 

Love is.....

I took this picture back in July and just stumbled over it again today.  The more I looked at it, the more I could literally see the love.  This dog, Lacey, has been in my mom's life for some of the happiest and craziest moments of her life.  Lacey is now battling several medical problems and probably won't be around for too much longer.  She has had a long, good life so far though!  You can tell by her grey hair that she has witnessed not only the younger of my siblings grow into unruly teenagers and then adults, but also the grandbabies as well.  She is stressed out by thier little feet and prodding fingers, but she is a good sport...and always attempts to make a run for it before grumbling at them!  I'll tell you what, tho, she loves her Bug!  The two of them have a mutual respect and hang out together, exploring the great outdoors...chasing lizards and bugs!  Bug has loved this dog for as long as he has been big enough to walk!
Even my dad, the animal non-lover, loves this dog.  Regardless of her barking or spoiled rotton ways!  xoxoxox Lacey!

Innocence....hahaha....yeah right!!!!

Addie has been going though one of those "phases" that I like to call the "Fucking Twos."  She is full blown into throwing fits and screaming and hitting and pulling hair when she doesn't like what is going on.  This morning, I put on a movie for the girls to watch and because she didn't like it, she went screeching across the room "I....DON'T....LIIIKKKEEE....TTTHHHHIIISSSSS!!!" and smacked the TV screen.  Yikes.  Where did my sweet, loving, "I love you more than a Sunny Day" girl go??  I know where.  She has been swallowed by the "Fucking Twos."  I am trying to keep my cool with her and do the "time out" thing, but even in time out she has to be monitored.  She will sit there (or rather try to sneak out of the chair) and throw herself around and scream and hit.  When I tell her that she can get up when she is done screaming and crying, she understands.  And then proceeds to scream louder and kick harder.  So, this is how I spend my days lately.  Guarding the big kids from the littlest kid because she has the biggest attitude and thinks she is 10 feet tall and bullet proof. 
Ooopppsss....there she goes again....wish me luck!!!!

An Irritated Pissed Engineer

So, this is a rant blog today.  If you don't want to hear me go on and on about how frustrated I am, then STOP READING now!

You're still here??  Well, then, don't say I didn't warn ya!

So, Bug was in at the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia on Thursday.  We were sent there STAT via our pediatrician for his low weight and BMI.  As you know, Bug already has been diagnosed with several disorders, which you can read about here.  In November, we are headed to Drexel University for a more detailed evaluation of Autism/Asperger's.  With that being said, you can imagine the amount of research and reading I have done on these conditions.  Obviously, there are several disputes regarding the causation of Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASDs) - mainly in regards to vaccinations which you can read about my opinions on that here.  But, today, what I want to focus on is the possibility of ASDs having a link with GI conditions.  Specifically, conditions in which the lining of the GI tract is affected.

Specific symptoms indicate that there might be a problem with the GI intestinal tract. They include:

• discomfort in the abdominal area
• bloating and constipation
• diarrhea and gas
• indigestion and heartburn
• shortness of breath
• asthma
• poor immunity
• aggressive behavior and mood swings
• disorientation and memory problems
• anxiety, confusion, and nervousness

 Now, do I think that Bug is suffering from these kinds of GI conditions?  I don't know.  I was actually very surprised when, after a gazillion doctors, we ended up being referred to a GI clinic at the Children's Hospital.  But, in some ways, it makes sense.  So, there we were on Thursday, sitting in the exam room, talking with Dr. Lee about Bug's health history, eating habits, and activity levels. After probably 20 minutes, Dr. Lee asks if we have any further questions or concerns.  I decided that I was going to ask about the possible connection of GI conditions with ASDs.  (This is where I start getting irritated.)   Dr. Lee very matter-of-factly told me that the only studies that show any connections were those done in the BBC and the Lancet had since retracted those studies.  He basically dismissed my concern and moved on.  At the time, I was a little shocked by how uneducated the doctor seemed on this subject.  He, obviously, hasn't seen THIS study at Imperial College London which was just released in 2010 or the handful of other correlations that have been shown to exist between GI conditions and ASDs.  What irritates me the MOST is that as a GI Doctor at a Children's Hospital, which is known to be one of the BEST in the nation, WHY would you NOT know about these things?  And WHY would you automatically dismiss a parent's concern of this?  And WHY you just dismiss the possibility without further investigation?  To say that I was irritated was actually not right.  I was pissed.  Pissed at the medical community for not continuing to investigate this.  Pissed at everyone that takes the Lancet to be the "Holy Grail" of Medicine.  Pissed that science has not been allowed to do the proper research on this subject.

It all comes down to this:
ASDs are disorders that affect the brain --------> The brain is "fed" via the broken down foods that we eat --------> The GI system is the where those foods are broken down ------->  If there is a GI problem that is not allowing that system to properly break down that food, then some particles are absorbed into the blood stream in a "foreign" form causing the neurological brain disturbances ----------> These GI problems are known to be caused by "heavy metal toxins" such as the ones that are in some vaccines ------->  These vaccines are, in a number of states, still mandated in order for your children to go to school, which means that as a parent, your hands are tied : either home school or subject your children to these toxins and risk the possible effects that come along with them.

So, in the end, it isn't that unthinkable to see how children with ASDs are a lot of times plagued with GI problems as well.  With that in mind, I say "fuck you" to the pediatric doctors, regardless of specialty, who have already made up their mind on this subject and have put blinders on to the other possibilities solely because of the "retraction of the study in the Lancet."    

Giveaways Rock!!

Find your way to Fabulous Fun Finds and you might find yourself sporting a brand new Kelly Moore Bags photography bag...FOR FREE!!   Hurry over before its g-o-n-e!!!

Daddy's Girl

Man, oh man, is Gidget ever a Daddy's Girl!  She loves him to pieces!  She cracks me up because she will stomp and throw fits with me, but the moment Flyboy gets home, she is all sugar and spice!!  As soon as I get the "I'm on my way home" call from Flyboy, Gidet is pulling at my shirt...."Mom!  Can I go sit on the outside steps and wait for my Daddy to get home!?!"  I promise you she does this ONLY for him!  

Me??  Chopped. Liver.  But, that is OK.  While I am envious of their realtionship, I am not jealous.  She likes me when she needs to or just happens to be in a "sweet to everyone" mood.  Regardless, I love her to death!  

She is an amazing little girl...strong, independant, witty, smart, funny, caring, determined, beautiful, spirited, energetic.  

She holds her Daddy's heart in the palm of her hand and has since the day she came into this world.

She is her sister's best friend and her brother's biggest fan.

I have NO DOUBT that she will go far in life!  :-)

xoxoxoxox Cricket!

Step Away from the Tracks

Life aboard the Smith Bullet Train is picking up pace again as we head into the Fall Season!

"August-November Train Schedule"

--The remainder of August is filled to the brim with doctor appts, garage sale planning and executing, business trips for Flyboy, and visitors!  It should be a good, smooth ride!

--September brings us to the beginning of...you guessed it...SCHOOL DAYS!  September 2nd is the official "First Day" and I have TWO that will be in school this year!  Bug is starting the 6th grade and Cricket starts 1/2 Day Kindergarten!  How exciting!!  I am not sure what I'm going to do with myself!  ;-)  

Of course we will have the usual stops along the way for doctors appts & dentist appts...but we can't forget about the 19th..."National 'Talk Like a Pirate' Day"!!  (Really, who comes up with this stuff and why??)  You can expect the ride to be relatively quiet at this time!

--October starts a month of family fun!  Each weekend is booked with fun filled Fall activities to include the Pumpkin Festival, the Autumn Festival, Halloween Parade, Corn Mazes and Pumpkin Carving!  There isn't an official stop scheduled for Trick or Treating yet...it is to be announced.  The ride will be fun and full of surprises this month!

--November starts out with a bang!  The first stop will be taking Bug to get him tested officially for Aspergers.   At this time, the ride on the Bullet Train will probably get bumpy and feel more like a rollercoaster than a train.  Be sure you are secured in your seats for a possible momentary derailment.  Due to the nature of the first stop, there may be several unexpected stops and bumps along the way this month.  If you plan on riding along, please note that this month is not for those with heart problems, motion sickness, or anyone who is annoying in any way.  The engineer may throw you from the train at any time if you become annoying or piss her off this month.  The tracks are sure to be tough enough to handle without extra comments from the peanut gallery.  You have been warned.

IF you make it thru to the end of November, there is a feast for your hard work and bravery!  The train will be stopping on the 25th for this feast.  You must be thankful if you make it this far.

**Three well-balanced meals plus snacks 2-3 times/day are included

**Beverages include: Milk, Apple Juice, Orange Juice, Water

**Alcoholic Beverages are UNLIMITED and highly encouraged as early as 3PM for all 21+ years of age

**Please take note that sleep aboard the Smith Bullet Train is never guaranteed

**As always, please remember to be kind to your engineer!  A little kindness goes a long way!

 

No-Go BlogHer Blog Hop

1. When did you start blogging?  Thursday, May 18, 2008 -- its been a bumpy, here & there, blog, but that the "official" start date!  :-)
2. Why did you start blogging?  I started blogging to just have a way to vent and just somewhat organize my thoughts in this crazy life!  There are times when I have more time to organize my craziness...and other times when I just wing it and then try to catch up!
3. What is one thing you are going to do this week that is WAY cooler than going to BlogHer?  Um, hmmm, I think that the most exciting thing that I will do this week (which IMO is cooler than BlogHer) is actually swim in my OWN pool & hot tub again!  It has been under construction for 6+ weeks (yes, "THE" 6 hotter than hell weeks of the year)!  It is 3/4 full of water right this minute and I am dying to go splash around!
4. Share a post that you think says a lot about you or is your favorite.  (share the link in YOUR post so we all can see)  I Wanna Talk About ME!

Post It Note Tuesday

http://supahmommy.blogspot.com

Please forgive me if I seem a bit grumpy!  I am just a tad overwhelmed in the last week with things at home!  I try to use my blog as an outlet for my frustrations, so sometimes it comes out in humor, sometimes not.  Today's Stickies are definitely on the humorous side ~~ or as much humor as I could conjure up on this "Feels Like A Monday" Tuesday. AHA!! That's IT!! It's Tuesday's fault for my mood today! Just Saying! Here's to a better Wednesday!! Cheers!

This day is swirling the bowl....

...it has literally gone down the toilet.  (Well, ok, everything BUT the day has gone down the toilet....)  This is the 2nd toilet mess that I cleaned up today!!  (I chose to spare you pictures of the first and third times!)  Who loves you!?!?  :-)  Seriously, WHY OH WHY does Gidget insist on playing in the toilet?!?!  It is so fucking foul that I could vomit every time!!  Two year olds are GROSS...GROSS, GROSS, GROSS!!  Between playing the toilet, her own poop, and the cat litter pans....this girl is on my shit list!  (Ha!)  No, really....she is.  Really.
So, I know you are dying to know what is in that toilet!!  Well, it is the ENTIRE contents of the bathroom trash, a 1/2 of a roll of TP (the other half went down the 1st potty playtime), and several Pull Up diapers...used and not.  Did I mention that two year olds are fucking GROSS?!?!  Blech!!

Not Me Monday

www.mycharmingkids.net

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama.

First of all, let me just say that I am NOT sitting here writing this blog at 8:15am with my...REALLY?!?...SECOND cup of coffee!! 

So, let's see.  This week, as usual, has been filled with things that I would love to say "Not Me" about!  LOL  Where to start?!?!  

 

 **Oh, yes, I did NOT leave my camera outside overnight again!  Thankfully this time it didn't get rained on!  But, I did get caught by Flyboy this time and had to fess up.  Dang it!  :-)  I am really just thankful that it still works after the rain incident!  Whew!

**I did NOT sit on a bench halfway up the Bushkill Falls trail because I thought I might melt into a puddle of sweat!  Hey, at least it was the 2+ mile "Red" trail (the longest one) and I did have 3 kids with me!  (I am hoping that I got some good photos at least!)  I wanted to Twitter this experience with you all, but there was "No Service" on my cell phone.  WTF!?!  Who's bright idea was it to have NO cell towers on top of a mountain?!?  Geez.  So now, you just have to wait until I find the energy to post process the photos. 

**I did NOT sit out on my new pool deck with Flyboy and have pizza and wine next to my empty pool because the paint is still drying!

**I have NOT turned into a water snob and I do NOT insist on having FIJI water!  Really, I think that my fascination with it has nothing to do with the water taste, but more about the source of the water!  It actually comes from "purified rainwater on the island of Fiji" and I am positive that drinking this water is the closest I will ever get to Fiji!

**I am NOT guilty of being addicted to stupid MTV reality shows like Teen Mom & 16 & Pregnant and I did NOT actually find myself excited this week when Jersey Shore premiered!  (Though I have to say that the premier was not that great, but I am looking forward to some drama later in the season!)

Happy "NOT ME MONDAY"!!