The Queen of Pee

So, typically on Wednesday, I am inclined to do a "Wordless Wednesday" type of a post.  But, today is different.  I am in a "don't look at me sideways or I'll slap your bitch ass" mood and my kids know it.  I think the dog even knows it.  (And NO it wasn't because I accidentally elbowed her in the jaw...I swear, that was an accident...but quite possibly the only thing that has made a smile spread across my face so far today.)

It started out like a normal day, with Flyboy getting up at the crack of dawn to head into work.  I listen to the shower turn on and Gidget's snoring softly next to me.  Then as soon as the water shuts off, the dog insists that she MUST go out and Flyboy promptly sighs in aggravation and takes her out (if he is lucky, he doesn't have to go out in his boxers).  On the way back inside, the cat is perfectly perched at the top of the stairs so that she can torment "wussy dog" who she knows is deathly afraid of her.  The dog barks, the cat hisses, Flyboy yells.  Seriously?!?  I held my breath, wondering if Gidget or Cricket would wake at the noise and thus put an end to my sleep.  Gidget shifted and went back to snoring.  Whew!  Get outta here Flyboy!!  LOL

A little while later, I was woke up by Gidget asking for her morning sippy cup of OJ.  No sooner than I came out of the bedroom and filled the cup, Cricket was up too.  Both were BEGGING me for waffles.  Really?!  Can't it be something easier...like cereal or fruit or yogurt or ANYTHING BUT WAFFLES?!?!  No.  OK, so I'm making waffles, I guess.  (Don't get me wrong, they ARE only the premade, frozen Eggo Waffles that I had to stick in the toaster, but it was still more than I wanted to do this morning.)  While buttering and syruping the first two for Cricket, I noticed the dog standing by me.  "Yes, I know you want breakfast too, but you will just have to wait as I only have 2 arms and haven't come up with a cloning system yet for a second me."  Obviously, that was the wrong answer because the second I looked back down, the dog was gone...and in her place was a BIG yellow puddle.  Gross.  Well, I throw a "doggy towel" over the top of it and continue the waffles because at this time both girls were screeching from the table that they were "S-T-A-R-V-I-N-G!"  OK, waffles made.  Off to clean up dog pee.

Little did I know that this would only be the START of my "Queen of Pee" day!!  Gidget, who is only 2, and is potty training backwards (which I say because she will pee but not poop on the potty) decides she needs to go.  She runs to her "Froggy Potty" in her bedroom, takes off her "Pull-Up" (no, mom, its NOT a diaper!) and pees.  YAY!  Then as she is bringing me the potty full of pee ("see mommy!  see!") it inevitably sloshes out of the container and onto the floor.  Sweet!  Another fun filled pee mess to clean up!  But, being a good mommy, I force a smile over my gritted teeth and tell her she is awesome!!

The messes are cleaned and I decided to sit down with my coffee, which was COLD and had to be dumped and remade because microwaved coffee is awful.  By the time another cup of coffee was made and I sat down to the computer, I looked over to see the dog staring at me.  Shit.  "Oh yeah, YOUR breakfast."  I get back up and go over to take care of her.  She sits beautifully and obediently until I tell her "OK" and she runs to her bowls.  Ah, back to the computer and my coffee.

Seriously, not even 15 minutes later the dog needs to go out again.  So, I take her out and cheer her on because at least she made it outside this time.  As I am bringing her back inside, we get to the top of the stairs and there stands a naked Gidget with a potty bowl full of pee again.  YAY!  "See mommy!  See!"  Of course the dog wants in on the action and wants to "see" too...which is how the second bowl of pee got dumped on the floor.  Sigh.  I praise Gidget on a job well done and tell her to go get some pants on, tether the dog to the banister so she isn't walking through the newest wet mess, and clean up the mess...again.

A few minutes later, I am back to my chair at the computer with more cold coffee, which I have given up on at this point because not even coffee can improve my mood now.  I decide that at only 10AM, I need to blog to find some peace with this day and I have only been up for just over 2 hours.  I am going to end this here because I know that you are as miserably disgusted with my morning as I am and you are dying to escape too.  But, let me leave you with this side note, while I sat here, typing this blog, I have dumped two more bowls of pee and taken the dog out once more...but, on the bright side, my floors are dry...for now.



I do have to add one more teeny, tiny thing to today's "Queen of Pee" post because it really just tops it off:
I just had to shower my 5 year old, Cricket, because as she was headed downstairs to play, she hit the landing and slid in....you guessed it....DOG PEE and was covered from the back of her hair to the bottom of her pants.  Poor baby! 

I am the QUEEN OF PEE today!!