Do you ever feel like no matter what you do, its never enough? Whether it be with your kids, your job, your house, your car...whatever it may be...that no matter how hard you try, someone is always disappointed? Maybe its your kids or loved ones, maybe your boss, maybe your friends, or maybe even yourself?
Today's write up is about just that, disappointment and feeling as though no matter what you do it will never be enough, but at what point can you get by with simply being just...Good Enough?
The majority of the time, as a parent, I have to say that I rarely find myself actually completely satisfying my kids. My son, Bug, due to his complex issues (anxiety disorder, ADHD, depression, ASD?) is the hardest to make happy. I have come to accept that I cannot make him happy for long periods of time, and I take my successes one at a time with him each day. I know that in most circumstances, at best, I am a "fun killer" with sprinkles of mediocre jokes. With him, I have learned how to accept being just Good Enough.
My girls. They only seem happy when I am doing the things that they want to do...reading books, swimming in the pool, playing make believe games, feeding them. (OMG, the kitchen is NO DOUBT their favorite room of the house!) Maybe this is "normal" for kids? I don't know. I just know what my kids are like. I know that the moment I take time for myself, or to do something...anything other than what they want to do, I am right back to having unhappy kids. It has been difficult to find that Good Enough feeling with them. Maybe its because they are girls and they are practicing that natural grudge-holding, guilt-inflicting attitude that will come in handy for them in their heartbreaking years. Maybe I am just missing the "Good Mom" gene...anyone know where I can get one of those?? Or maybe they have been raised to be spoiled little brats and this is my reward?? Did MY mother wish this on me?! :-)
I often find that I am disappointed in my self. My house is never as clean as I would like it to be. My cooking is never as good as I would like it to be. My glass is half empty....no seriously, it is, I'll be right back. :-) But, really, are we ever completely happy with ourselves? Do we live up to our own expectations? I don't. Is it because I expect too much from myself? Or am I comparing myself with others that seem to "have it together" better than I do? Or do I really just not live up to my potential? I constantly find myself second guessing my choices, my decisions, my actions, etc. Then I start thinking about all of "those" people that seem to have it all together and wonder how they find the time to do it all. How do you parent your children, have play dates, go to the park, make sure the laundry is done, the house is cleaned, dinner is planned, kids are bathed & their teeth are brushed daily, your car is cleaned before someone sees (or in my case SMELLS) it, YOU are bathed daily, you have time to be the "perfect" wife, etc, etc, etc..... The list goes on and on. At least the one in my head does!
Then reality hits me. I can't live my life like other people do. I have to live my life the way that best fits me and my family. And as much as I wish I could have those things, I also know that my priorities are different, my life is different, I am different. I am a strong, independent, realistic, logical woman. I have soft sides, but mainly, being tough and reasonable are my strong suits. I enjoy things like a glass (yes, usually two) of wine each evening, taking and editing pictures, sitting in the sun. I really do like to have a clean house, but am finding that the "Cleaning your house while your children are growing is like shoveling the snow while it's still snowing" saying is ringing true so having a somewhat straightened house has become Good Enough. I am trying to adapt and overcome. I am! I like the idea of play dates, but I am such a closed, non-social person that I have come to understand that play dates and physically real friends (as opposed to cyber friends) are not something that I can do. I don't go to the park, though I have recently branched out and started going to the library with the kids! (Yes, the place where no one is allowed to speak directly to anyone else...but its Good Enough!) Don't get me wrong, I ENJOY having friendships...I just take FOREVER to warm up to someone long enough to actually open up to them and show them my real side, my messy side, my not perfect side, my gulp vulnerable side. And God knows that I wish my car was clean and fresh smelling, but it isn't....and it isn't on my list of "things to do" any time soon! So, I am not perfect. I am Good Enough in most cases and I'm learning to deal with that. One day at a time.
Long story, Short: I may only be Good Enough, but I'm OK with that.